4/18/24 10:41 pm

holy fucking shit.

ezra is pregnant.

ive been staring at the ceiling thinking about it for an hour now.

she told me yesterday and i still can barely believe it. that shes going to move away soon. that i wont get to see her as much. that our 'relationship' wont be the same. if you had asked me a week ago i would have said i couldnt survive without her. but that would have been an exaggeration. and an exaggeration to say that she was really leaving me. because as much as it hurts to see her move on from this part of our life, i know she needs it. i can tell from the things shes said that she wouldnt be happy here anymore. so shes not leaving me, not really. but shes still leaving. im going to miss her so much i get this really bad sick feeling in my stomach when i think about it, like what if she ends up realizing she never needed me and we never have sex again because shes too busy with her family and she doesnt want to hang out with a random nerd like me anymore. but that couldnt be true. she seemed so sad when we talked, sad just like i was. im pretty confident i can at least say were on the same page, for now. i sure hope so cause i love her more than ive ever loved anything before and having a baby is only going to mean i love her more. i mean, can you believe it? shes actually going to have a baby. a little ezra. how beautiful is that. this is the greatest gift anyone could ever get. i cant let my selfishness mess it up for her. i just have so many feelings i dont know what to do with them all or even what they are. and wedge keeps teasing me like were going to have sex but it never comes to that and hes messing with my emotions too. i hope i get some sleep tonight and i hope ezra does and i hope her baby does too if its big enough to sleep and have dreams yet. im sure it will be before i know it. and i hope wedge gets some sleep because hes stupid and hungover still. i hope he sleeps with me tonight in my own bed and he remembers how he was gonna make me love it. i hope he keeps his promise.

4/9/24 6:50 pm

wedge has been in the studio since 2 this afternoon. sabine was in there but i think he was smoking instead of playing any music. he came out for dinner but wedge hasnt. i might go in there and surprise him with food. i wonder if itd actually surprise him. i need to go out to dinner with him but i think id get scared. i want to see what food he orders.

yeah right. i think thatll just stay a fantasy for now. cause i hate going out and i like being close to him while im eating and i would have to sit across from him and i dont know if he would even touch my foot with his and if he did id probably pull my foot back out of instinct and i dont like ordering so he might have to order for me and that might turn him off.

i wonder what it would sound like if him and sabine ever actually made music. i wonder what instruments he even plays. ive never heard him talk about it but i know hed tell me if i asked. i wonder if he plays the guitar. i bet he taught himself.

him and sabines relationship is so weird to me. sabine acts like he hates him but wedge acts like hes one of his closest friends and sabine also doesnt seem to deny this. but sabine has always been weird with relationships. a wren doesnt exist whos good with relationships. its actually in the clan rules.

4/7/24 8:04 pm

god im so tired right now. but im good cause ezras in my lap. it took a little agreeing with jyn cause she also wanted ezra in her lap. but shes in my lap now. i have a song stuck in my head that says 'no one understands me' and i wonder if it might be true. still, someones getting close. people are getting close. sometimes i feel close to understanding and sometimes i feel really far away. i need to go skating again

4/6/24 5:14 pm

wedge is warm. hes been asking me if i need anything and i dont know what to say.

4/4/24 4:09 pm

last night i dreamed people in red clothes were chasing me through a riverbank with knives. i would think i had outrun them but every time i looked back they were there and they grinned at me because they knew i couldnt win.

after ezra left my dad called and he didnt pay attention to anything i said. i didnt feel good so i took sabs motorcycle out along the countryside almost like in my dream. it felt good. i like riding it because it feels like no one can catch me. i ended up on corellia with wedge and i dont know what i was thinking but he smiled at me as soon as he saw me and i knew i was done for. he kissed me again just like at the ice rink and i didnt want it to stop. it did stop but only for a little bit because he kissed me again as soon as i was in his bed. im glad he was at the maintenance shop and he was wearing a stained shirt because i cried and messed it all up. and i couldnt even say sorry because i fell asleep after that. i guess i did need the rest like he said. all i heard was the weird flying videos he watches on the tv. i wanted to live like that forever. with the flying videos in the background. i dont know anything about them and no one expects me to. he even put lotion under my nose.

4/3/24 7:12 pm

we had oral sex again. it was so soon after the last time and so good. i kept falling asleep and jyn was there the whole time i think but i was so tired for some reason. i still am. im craving chocolate but im too lazy to get up and get some. were on the couch again watching youtube and i dont want to seem too touchy or weird her out but i just feel so sweet inside it feels a bit sickening. maybe its best i dont have any chocolate.

4/2/24 11:50 pm

ezra and i watched a movie together this afternoon. well, let me rephrase that. ezra and i turned on a movie and then fell asleep before we could watch any of it. shes still asleep right now. shes beautiful and i feel like im still dreaming. my whole body is warm.

4/2/24 3:36 pm

yesterday i told ezra that jacen asked if we were ever gonna get married and i said we might some day. she didnt seem to like the idea and i didnt know what to say. i wish i had said something. i mean why would i ever want to get married?? i still feel like a 16 year old and im definitely not a fan of continuing the traditions of my parents. it was just a silly question and i didnt know how to answer it. i dont think im very good with kids.

doesnt make it any better than i dreamed about her the night before. about having a kid. or taking care of one i guess. ezra said she was scared and i am too but i dont even know what im scared of. growing up is hard

i was gonna ask sabine if he wanted to do something today but i got distracted and never did. time feels like its going faster than normal. maybe tomorrow.

4/2/24 3:30 am

i stayed up so late coding this i might actually be stupid. jyn also asked me to help with some of her homework and i havent done it yet so thats my only other excuse for staying up so late. i wish i was half as good as ezra at falling asleep on time. but at least i get to watch her sleep (in a cute way not a creepy way). i like the way she snores and she would never let me see if she wasnt so sleepy.